I am so tired of fighting. I don’t mean me and The Wife, though we have our moments. I mean fighting for everything, with everything, just in general. Everything I do requires me to fight.
I am constantly fighting with the kids. They don’t listen at all, they trash the house and then complain and fight when they have to clean up. They don’t want to help with anything but they want want want want want. The Wife and I always try and give our kids what they need and then some of what they want if we can handle it. But lately it is like we can’t win. They had chores but didn’t want to do them, they wanted the allowance that went with it though. So I had to take away the allowance. Why should I reward them for doing nothing. I shouldn’t. They keep telling me that they want this and want that. I want to make sure that we have water, electricity, and a roof over our heads. That alone is a constant fight. I am constantly fighting to make sure that we have necessities. The Wife works her tush off and we are still constantly behind. We can’t get a break. We try and be good people, help others, etc. and at the end of the day it seems like only the people that suck at life get a break. Those that try and are good and kind and helping, they get pooped on. I am constantly fighting to make everything work. Make the bill people happy by signing away what few dollars we have, then I have to make the kids happy because if not then I can’t get five minutes of peace, then I have to make The Wife happy and make sure that she knows that we love her and appreciate her, then I have to make the house happy by cleaning it constantly. I am telling you I am running thin.
I am always fighting in regards to everything. I am so tired. So tired. We try everything and it is never enough. There is never enough time, money, nothing. They say that money doesn’t buy happiness but damn I don’t believe it. I would be so happy to not stress and worry for one week. One week when I know that the bills are paid and there is no chance of losing everything we have. One week when I know that my kids have everything that they need and yet it didn’t come out of a bill, that I later have to come up with. I would love one week to be able to just forget it all and have fun. God, I don’t know the last time I had fun when I wasn’t thinking about what is or could happen. I would love one week when I don’t have to sit and worry and stress that we are going to lose our home or whatever. I haven’t had a week like that ever. I am so stressed and tired and worried and fighting all the time that I can’t seem to have fun anymore. I don’t know how to let it all go and just spend time with my family and know that things will be alright. One week when I am just breathing and living and being happy. I don’t even know how to be happy anymore. Because all I know how to do is worry and stress.
What do I do? I just keep fighting. I just keep making a dime stretch to a quarter. I just keep making things seem like they are okay and the kids no nothing. I do my best to make sure that they don’t know how bad things are, that they just live in their little worlds and things are alright. But what I want to do is be happy with them and have fun with them. I don’t even need to spend money to just have fun with them, but I can’t seem to turn off the stress and stuff so that I can enjoy the little things. I don’t know how to stop worrying that we aren’t going to have a home. That they are going to take everything. How do I do it? How do I let it go and just love them and be with them and not worry and stress and freak out? I don’t know how to do it and I am just losing it more and more.
When I had that allergic reaction the other day and I was hooked up to oxygen and I was struggling to breathe, I shouldn’t have but for a quick second I just wanted to have it all be over. I am not saying that I want to die. Because I don’t. But for a quick second I just wanted to let it go and whatever happened happened. I didn’t want to fight anymore. Here I am struggling to breathe, scared that I am going to die and leave my family and all I could think is that I just didn’t want to fight anymore. I just wanted to stop for five seconds and let whatever happened happen. Let someone else take care of me and everything for five seconds. Then I realized that I am a mom, I don’t have that option. I had to fight. So I did. But how terrible for that one second I didn’t want to anymore. I fight. Constantly. I am just so tired of it.
Things don’t even seem to be getting any better regardless of the fighting. That is what makes it so frustrating. No matter how much I fight, nothing changes, nothing except the next month and the next set of problems. How is there no change? How is it that you fight and fight and nothing changes. How is that fair? We never get caught up, let alone get ahead. I am just so tired….I am sure that everyone has their own issues and problems and mine are no different. I get that it could be worse. They could actually take the house. Instead I just keep fighting. I will continue to fight. Because that is what I am supposed to do, it is what I want to do, I want to make sure that if we do go down we go down fighting. But for just a moment I want to think about that one week that someday I will have…..