Mother’s Day. It used to be a day that brought sadness and black thoughts in to my head. I was never going to be a mother. I was really sick a long time ago and had done everything and anything that I could to get better and there was no other option. I went to the doctor, with my mother, and he told me I was going to have a hysterectomy. I was 21 years old. Since I was 15 I had been told I would never have kids. That it would be hard for me to conceive if I ever wanted to but for the most part I was never going to be able to have kids. Hearing that at 15 years old I was like cool, no chance of getting knocked up in high school, I won’t be a statistic! Then as I got older and watched all the people around me start having babies, it became harder. It became really hard. I had times when I wanted to kill myself. I had times when I hated God. I had times when I hated myself. I was in a really bad spot for a long time.

The summer I went with a friend to have an abortion was the worst. She didn’t want to have the baby. I tried to get her to let me have it. I told her I would disappear and never would she hear from me again. I told her that no one would ever know. I tried everything. I begged, pleaded, cried, etc. I even offered to pay her what I could. She just looked at me, told me that she couldn’t let her child be somewhere in the world and not be with her. So she made the choice. She had an abortion. We stopped being friends that day. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t be around her. She had taken something so precious and thrown it away and I wasn’t ever going to have that chance. She threw away something/someone I would have loved to the end of the Earth. It was after this that I realized I was probably never going to have a child.

So I partied, I partied a lot. I didn’t care if I went to jail, died, whatever. I didn’t care. I did so many stupid things that I am lucky I didn’t go to jail or die! Then I met her. I met the soon to be Wife. She had Bug. Lord, I love/d Bug. That girl stuck to me like white on rice. I was in love with her. I loved her before I like her mother! I knew that I could be an Aunt. I learned with Bug that if I couldn’t have kids of my own that I could be an Aunt to all my friends kids. I knew it wasn’t going to be the same, but to me it was something. It was a chance. I was going to take that chance. I was going to love, spoil, and help take care of all the kids of my friends.

I didn’t know that I was going to get a chance to be Mama. The Wife and I got together (you all know that story) and I was suddenly helping to do the day to day stuff for a little one. It

is a lot more work than I ever thought. But the first time she called me Mama. I was sunk. I was mush. I was finally Mama. I was so happy. It was like a gift from God. I got to be there when she was sick, when she was happy, when she was sad, when she was mad, I got to be there.

Then we decided to have Monkey. Boy, that was something I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for the emotions I would have seeing her do all these things that I had/did want for so long. It was hard. I had good days and bad ones. Til one day, The Wife told me to knock it the F*CK off. She informed me that we were in this together and that me acting like that made her not want to be having the baby. It was supposed to be a happy time for both of us and I was being an ass. She was right. I was letting my own personal feelings and sadness and insecurities and jealousy get in the way of the fact that right there in her tummy was my little baby. He was going to be my baby. She was going to push him out but he was our baby, hers and mine. I kept forgetting that I was lucky and blessed enough that she was

willing to have another baby for us, I kept forgetting that it was probably pretty hard on her to go through that, I kept forgetting that it was going to be worse to push that thing out of her! From then on, I tried. I stepped up, did everything I could for her, anytime she was hungry I was cooking, anytime she wanted a random food I was there getting it, 3 am trips to Burger King, it didn’t matter. I was there. I may not have felt my son from the inside but I rubbed that belly like she was freaking Buddha! I talked to him, I was there for everything. And that was going to be good enough. The day that he was born I fell in love. He came out and he was mine. The Wife will even tell you, this one was born to be mine. I got to see what it was like to hold someone that just took their first breath. It was amazing. The Wife never looked so beautiful to me that day. I had my Bug and I had my Monkey. They were mine. And I was their Mama!

We waited a few years and then decided to have another. We tried a few times, and then BAM. She was pregnant again. My Wife the Rockstar. She was going to do it again for us. Monkey’s pregnancy was terrible. She was pretty much bedridden with a pinched nerve, he had UGP, and she didn’t eat for almost nine months. But she was going to do it again, just for us. We almost lost him in the beginning because she bled the whole first three months. We buried The Wife’s Birth Mom at that time too. The second trimester wasn’t as bad. The third we almost lost him again when we buried my Birth Father. It was a hard, horrible pregnancy again. Then she had the seizure. We were at the doctor for her 35 week check up. They laid her down on the table. And she had a seizure. I thought I was losing her or the baby or both. I lost it. It was the scariest thing that I have ever been through.

The doctor pulled him early. She said to save the baby, save The Wife and prevent it from happening again she induced labor. Then we had him. My Brogey. He was here. I was Mama again. He was perfect and he was ours.

I may have never thought I was going to be a Mama. I may have thought I was destined to never have children. I may have hated myself and God. I may have fought to just let it end. But that isn’t how it worked out for me. I may never feel what it is like to have a baby in my belly. I may never know what it is like to feel a baby kick me from the inside. I may never know what it is like to feel my vagina stretch to its maximum and push a baby out. I may not know what it feels like to hold the baby that I carried so long. But I will tell you what it is like to be there at conception, to know the exact moment when a baby began. I will tell you what it is like to be there to find out we were pregnant. I will tell you I was there to see them all the first time. I will tell you what it is like to hold them, kiss them, DSC_1886

feed them, clothe them, tickle them, hug them, love them, and know that I will always be there for them. That is what made me Mama. I am there day in and day out. I have never left them. I listen to them, take care of them, and I am there to make sure that they have all they need. I am their Mama. They love me and I love them. They know they didn’t come out of me. They are okay with that. My Bug knows that I wasn’t there til she was 2 and she is okay with that. She doesn’t know any time that I wasn’t there. To her, I am Mama. She was my first. She is my girl. We have a bond that I never thought I would get to have. My Monkey. Oh, my sweet rotten Monkey. He was my first Baby. He will always hold that little piece of baby heart. Lord, My Brogey. That boy. He is going to be the one that does the complete opposite of anything asked of him for the rest of his life! He is my gray hair! But he is always there smiling and making me laugh. He is the final piece to my Mama heart. I have my three babies. I am their Mama.

So Happy Mother’s Day to all women. Whether you couldn’t, chose not to, haven’t yet, or will soon. Happy Mother’s Day. Even if you are unable to have a baby in your belly, there are children in the world that would love to have a mother. And if not a Mother, an Aunt. You can be that perfect, wonderful Aunt. It isn’t the same, but maybe it is enough for now. You never know what can happen when you least expect it. I got my happy ending. You can too.

 

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